Just, Trust, Must

This is the deep end, and it's the one day of my newsletter regimen that is purely philosophical and not design related. Enjoy.

My business partner got married yesterday, and knowing that he has found someone to do life with hit me like a win.

Not my win. His. But I got to partake in the joy of it more than I do with most people’s good news, and that’s a strange thing to feel about a guy I met through work.

Here’s what I think is going on.

There are three kinds of friends. Just friends, trust friends, and must friends.

I heard this on a podcast several years ago and I don't remember who said it, so I can't take credit for coming up with the idea. Tried doing a quick search to find an author to no avail. Oh well.

If you're out there, random podcast dude, thanks!

What each friend bucket looks like:

Just friends are acquaintances you happen to know a little better than the rest. The guy you see at the gym four days a week. You don’t perceive any ill will from them, you trust they’re well intended, and that’s about as far as it goes.

Trust friends are the ones you’d trust with information. A business initiative you haven’t announced. Something personal you don’t hand out. Given a clear opportunity to hurt you or to help you, you already know they'd fight in your favor.

Must friends are the ones you must include, or the thing didn’t fully happen.

That last one isn’t about affection. It’s about necessity.

When my wife and I found out we were pregnant, there was a list of people I had to tell. Not wanted to. Had to. Parents. In-laws. My best friend. Nobody read me that list, I just knew it, the way you know which door is the exit. The news wasn’t finished until those people had it. Everybody else could find out whenever.

That list is the most honest inventory of your life you’ll ever take.

And here’s the part that surprised me.

My co-founders were on it, ahead of people I’ve known two and three times as long.

Not because I like them more than my oldest friends. I don’t think that’s it. It’s that a kid coming into my life was going to land on them too, so they had to know, and once somebody has to know a thing that big, they’re inside the circle whether or not you ever decided to put them there.

And it happens to them in ways that doesn't happen to the other people in my Must Circle. If I'm sick, I have to let them know. If my co-founders dog gets attacked by a coyote and he has to leave a conference, we have to know. If one of them is taking a Friday off to spend time with their spouse who needs some support, we have to know.

It's a weird shortcut to the most inner circle of relationships. Every other must friend I have earned it over years. My business partners got there on volume. They’re involved in enough of my life, at enough of the hours, with enough actually at stake, that any news (good or bad) isn't done without them.

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So when Corey got married, it wasn’t news about a colleague. It was news I had a small share in, because he’d already crossed into the tier where his stuff is partly my stuff.

And I think that's awesome.

It makes me wonder if by including more people in the activities, pursuits, and ventures throughout my life, how big that Must Circle will grow.

Imagine having that an army of close comrades who are so intertwined within your life that you can't receive good news fully until they are told about it.

Damn, that's an overflowing cup.

Go take your inventory. Who did you have to tell?

I’d bet at least one name on that list is somebody you’d never have predicted, and they got there on hours instead of years.

Go tell them they’re on it.

— Zach